medication + highballs leads to thoughs like these

i scrawled this on a half sheet of binder paper before i fell asleep the other night. i worked until 11:30 and finished reading a book for class around 2/2:30a. i had thought about this before but taking my medication that makes me sleepy after nursing a 7&7 for a few hours made me think of mortality again. so here it is:

If you die in your sleep and there is no afterlife to allow you to ponder your existance, or even if there is, do you dream your final monents? would you know they were your final moments? would it be weird and mocking like dreams so often are or would it be a lucid dream that fades into nothing the way an epic movie scene will go silent in contrast to what is happening for dramatic efect? or will you just die and that's it?

there was a side story in the book that got me thinking about this again. the main character was telling the story of how her father was given up by his mother to his grandmother and had to sleep in the same bed with her. she always got up earlier than him to prepare breakfast. but one day he woke up and she was still there and then he realized she died in her sleep. i think the book asked the question of did she know she was going or maybe i thought that. it was a long day so i dont remember.

so, any thoughts on the subject?

You can't even fathom all that the universe entails

I was reading Total Eclipse by Annie Dillard in this book of essays for English
and I re-realized that as interesting as space is, I don't like thinking about it. Much like I don't like to think about money.

What are the fucking odds that I would be alive on this cocky little planet that thinks it is the only unique planet ever. That we, humans, do the things we do. We celebrate holidays and gods and have possessions of value and destruction. I have a bobble head of a TV character next to my computer. We have things like this. Thats insane!

Kind of like how money isn't real. Its a representation of value. Try going to the bank and asking to trade the cash from your wallet into gold or something else thats tangible. It won't happen. That number in the ATM when I deposit a check is just numbers. That piece of paper with computer print and 2 signatures means I get every two weeks means I have the equivalent of gold (or some other value I am now told.) somewhere, but I really don't. I can buy things with a plastic card that talks to those numbers in a computer that merely represents the money which is a representation of value somewhere that I could never touch. I am hitting keys with letters to form words on a screen that I can see but its not real. Its 1s and 0s. Or better yet its specially charged pieces of silicon or whatever the fuck on a metallic wafer that is spinning around and around...once I save what's on the screen. For now it's in a RAM chip that is just a chunk of silicon.

NOTHING IS REAL

Good lord. Our lives are so absurd. Aliens would come in peace, meet us, think we're out of our goddamn minds, and blow us up just to make sure we don't spread filth and ignorance into the rest of the universe(s).

School, you are making me think these things I thought about years ago without you. I hope my fake dollar amount of value per fake unit of knowledge is worth something to me someday...more so than a piece of paper signed by people I will never meet that will certify that I know something.

GAH! Add college to the list.

What in the fuck?

Global Warming is the biggest scam ever? Really?

I thought it might have been the 2 times george w bush was elected. hm.

if you agree with these blowhards, move along. not believing in global warming is like not believing in evolution. and that doesn't make me anti religious because i've heard credible explanations for evolution and god to coexist. (earth made in 7 days, day isn't just 24 hrs..bla bla bla). there has to come a point where you can drop you political views, drop your agenda and say look: here it is. this is really happening.



some questions posed. i am not going to go research this right this minute because i have to pee like a son of a bitch but i will check up on it. and if you have info supporting my ideas and rebuttals, send it my way. don't bother debating me if you disagree, leave the page

-deaths caused by extreme weather down by 95% since 1920...technology, development of countries, building standards..etc has advanced a lot in the past 80 years. i know i didn't articulate that very well but do you see where this is going? times were really different 80 years ago. hard to make the comparison. bad argument

-expert: founder of the weather channel. i would love to know who sponsors, financially backs and who he associates with to be so bold as to make a stupid statement with so much confidence. anybody with enough money can found a tv channel even if they know nothing of the subject. ted turner isn't a film genius because he has a lot of movies on his channels. that aside, he is a real weather man. have you noticed his age? how old do you think he was when he finish his formal education? has he kept current with new data and research?

-oh, in twenty years we will be proven wrong? fuck twenty years. how about my future grandkids and their grandkids? thats the idea, the future isn't just one set figure of time. i'm sure no matter what happens no matter how fast, humans can adapt. but why not just prevent horrible things to happen, no matter how soon or far off they are. if you can avoid it, why not?

-so they're making fun of nbc for promoting the idea of global warming, a company who is owned by the company who makes the largest amount of nukes for dubya? ok...i am not going to get into who is worse with the news companies...but inst a jab at nbc expected from such a far right winger? like bill o'reily taking jabs at ppl in an unprofessional manner even though the network he is on is the most UNcredible EVER. a network that has leaked sensitive data on the news making the search for osama bin laden even harder? ya go throw rocks at the nbc building for promoting a cleaner earth. good job. you're really hitting the overall nail square on the head

lost faith in humanity for the billionth and one time today.